131: Pastor Appreciation Month: Genuine Celebration or Obligatory Gesture?

What truly lies behind Pastor Appreciation Month? Join me, Margie Bryce, your leadership coach who focuses on burnout prevention on the Crabby Pastor podcast as we unravel the tangled web of emotions and expectations surrounding this special time. From the joys of receiving unexpected gifts like bath bombs and meat packages to the bittersweet reality of being forgotten, we dive into stories shared by our vibrant online community. 

The complexities of Pastor Appreciation Month are akin to the mixed feelings experienced during holiday gift-giving. Ministry leaders are often caught in a whirlwind of expectations, grappling with the human desire for validation. We explore how societal norms and gender dynamics intersect, sometimes leaving clergy feeling undervalued both at home and within the church. The ripple effect on pastors' spouses and the influential role of social media also come into play, challenging us to rethink how appreciation should be expressed. This conversation peels back the layers of what it means to appreciate our leaders genuinely.

As we journey through these reflections, don't miss the chance to prioritize your well-being with a self-care reminder and burnout symptoms test on my website. 

Chapters

• 0:01 Pastor Appreciation Month Reflections
• 10:04 Challenges of Pastor Appreciation Month
• 18:38 The Nuances of Pastor Appreciation
• 31:51 Self-Care Reminder and Burnout Questionnaire

Transcript

Margie: 0:01

Hey there, it's Margie Bryce, your host of the C Pastor podcast, where we talk about all things sustainability, whether it's sustainability in ministry, in your personal life and we acknowledge that the church is in a transitional time, so we hit topics there too that are going to stretch your mind and the way you lead, especially how you lead yourself, so that you don't become the crabby pastor. Hey there, friends, it's that time of year again it's Pastor Appreciation Month, and I know that resonates in many different ways with many of you, and so, in honor of Pastor Appreciation Month, I'm going to be sharing twice in October, two different previous podcasts, that kind of address and get at some of that. Hopefully it will help put things in perspective for you. So just know that I'm thinking about you, rooting for you and praying for you as you navigate Pastor Appreciation Month. We are going to be talking about pastor appreciation month again. You know and you're saying, have we not talked about this enough? But I got to tell you this is one of the highest, statistically highest podcast topics that there are, right up there with burnout stories. People seem to like those and like to hear the redemption stories and those.

Margie: 1:47

I don't know what to say about Pastor Appreciation Month, but I decided to engage people on the Facebook group into this discussion and I'm not going to name any names or say what you said, but I'm just going to. Well, I'm going to say what you said, I'm just not going to attribute it to you. So no calling names here. I'm not naming names or anything like that. But I wanted to just talk about this because at the end of the day, you know, I'm wondering do we need to circulate a petition to get this thing stopped? I don't know, I don't know competition to get this thing stopped? I don't know, I don't know. Anyway, I'm going to get at that in just a second here, but I wanted to take a moment of privilege here because I'm the host and I can do this and I look at countries and places where my podcast is downloaded. It's kind of interesting and one just took my breath away, like last week when I looked at it, and it was Monaco, monaco. Somebody in Monaco downloaded the podcast. Maybe somebody was on vacation in Monaco, I don't know. I sure would like to go at some point, just kind of so I could say I've been there, but I guess you need to know why. That's fascinating for me, and this is just a point of minutiae for you but my mother was British I think I've said that on this podcast before and I was actually born in England as well. Well, so there's the Merry Crown of England on my birth certificate and my mother would talk a lot about royalty. So I know way more about what the whole lineage thing and how that works, because my mom would tell me that sort of stuff or, as they would say in England, my mom would tell me all of that. And second, in line to talking about British royalty, my mother would talk about Princess Grace of Monaco a lot, a lot, a lot. So I was just pumped to see that somebody had listened to the podcast from Monaco. So hello if you're out there again and still.

Margie: 4:12

So I'm going to move on, though, to. That's quite the transition and segue, isn't it? To the issue of pastor appreciation. That's what I'm going to do. So I started out the conversation with a question on the Facebook group self-care and sustainability, the number four ministry leaders. So I started out there and I asked people what was the worst pastor appreciation month that you or a friend there's your out, you or a friend had encountered? And you know, we got, I got some of what I expected. The entire month came and went and not even so much as a card came and went, and not even so much as a card with nothing in it. A card with nothing in it was given. I was like, okay, yeah, and there was yes, yes, and like, like and well, not really like in this case, but agreement, I guess I would say it would be. Agreement was offered.

Margie: 5:24

So somebody said what's pastor appreciation month, you know? And I kind of get it. It seems to create a bit of trauma for those of us in ministry. I, of course, always had somebody chime in and say they've, you know, they've never had a bad one yet and nobody they know has ever had a bad one yet. And I thought, well, you know, I mean, that's nice. I think that was the essence of why it was created at the get go.

Margie: 5:59

So you know, it's a matter here of people buying into this idea and some people don't seem to know that Pastor Appreciation Month is a thing and they would be that people. It's like expecting a Christmas present when people don't know. I don't know, that's maybe not a good analogy. It sort of is, but it isn't. But you know, if somebody didn't even know about Christmas which is pretty tricky to do, but if somebody didn't know about it, why would you expect to receive a gift, right? So, okay, I moved into.

Margie: 6:45

Then I thought I'd asked the the, you know, started out with the one question there and then I moved into what's the most amazing pastor appreciation gift you've ever received. I was hoping, you know, maybe somebody got a hot tub out there, I don't know. Or maybe somebody got a a trip to somewhere exotic, maybe to Monaco, I don't know and so I moved into that. You know, we got into a discussion about bath bombs, which you know, hey, I got, I got a whole education about bath bombs in here and obviously I think this was the female ministry leaders that were talking about bath bombs. Somebody got meat, somebody had pork chops, hamburgers, steaks, and they thought that was pretty amazing meat. I thought that's a pretty good one, especially at the going rate of meat these days. But then we got back into nobody.

Margie: 7:50

Somebody got nothing, and they had been involved with this congregation for a number of years. And you know, here, stand up and let's all clap for the ministry leader. Here stand up and let's all clap for the ministry leader and you know, I think there always should have at least been chocolate, not the cheap stuff. So another person said they get cards, baked goods, love offerings, and then they said that, gee, reading all this other stuff about what other pastors have received or not received has made them feel a little grateful for what they are getting. So, but you know, homemade cookies, pies, breads, that wouldn't be such a bad gig to get. So somebody got an extra day off given to them, which I thought, okay, that's pretty high in the amazing charts actually. I mean, I asked what they did with it. But you know, it was one of those days where you could just actually do your self-care and fritter time away or maybe actually do nothing. There's an idea Somebody got funds for a weekend away and they went to the nation's capital and here we go back to nothing. Nothing, and they had served the congregation since 1980. So that was a little disconcerting, as always. And then they've got, let's see, self-made gifts. That's a great expression of care. So, okay, we got a great list of things. I'm not sure which one I like the best. If it was a meet or the day off, those were pretty good ones, but people always want to add in here that they it came and went. A whole month came and went and nobody did anything. So so, lastly, I just kind of felt like I wanted to.

Margie: 10:04

I went finally to this post and asked why is Pastor Appreciation Month such a hot button issue? Because it seems to garner a lot of attention with the podcast and same thing with commentary in the Facebook page, and so you know, I think I've hit on something and it did. It is of concern If you have sat with ministry leaders and they're talking about early in the month what they got, and you know you're waiting and looking and nothing and nothing and nothing. You know you kind of it's like Christmas I'm back to Christmas, but it's kind of like Christmas like your siblings got gifts and you got a lump of coal. It feels like that. That's what our emotions do with it. So I wanted to ask why they thought, why ministry leaders think it's a hot button issue and of course you know I got the why ministry leaders think it's a hot button issue and of course you know I got the.

Margie: 11:13

It's not an issue and God has graced us with appreciation and a lot of other kinds of appreciation goes on throughout the year and I think that's that's a fair comment, that really is absolutely fair, and sometimes we get hung up on this and we want that kind of appreciation or validation shown. You know, congregants might say, well, we pay you and I'm like, well, yes, that is true, but maybe maybe we just want that kind of validation because these are the people we serve and when we spend a lot of time creating messages and we work really hard to create messages that connect with our people, well then we just would like and it's not like when they go out at the end of a worship service and if you are one of those pastors that stand at the back, I don't know if we're shaking hands with everybody anymore, but you know, nice message, nice message, nice message that's different than and we appreciate that you serve us and that God has placed you here. One person here said why Under the why is this a hot button issue? Because we're supposed to have some super special connection with God and we live up on top of a pole where the world can marvel at our piety and faith.

Margie: 12:45

When the truth is, we are often more messed up than our congregants and there is a lot of truth to unpack to that. A lot. Actually, it's very true that the leaders are usually the ones that have the most trauma and usually we have connected with God's healing or God's power in our lives in pretty remarkable ways, and it's because of that very thing that we want to pass it on, that we want to be the ones that help others find what we have been so blessed to find. But that does not mean that we are not a little traumatized or the most messed up in the entire group. That is very true.

Margie: 13:42

And you know, I guess I'll add in here that if you feel like you have never identified those shadow side kinds of things that drew you, feel like you have never identified those shadow side kinds of things that drew you into ministry, it's a good idea to check into that, just so you're aware. I mean, we all carry baggage, but it's a great idea to know exactly what that baggage is, because that will help you should a congregant trigger you, which you know, that's like oh eye roll for me here. So I just want to mention that. Let's see, we all want to be acknowledged for what we do and that doesn't always happen. And here you go, I have to go back to remember, remembering who, who called me and why I do what I do it. It is for Jesus, but it can still hurt sometimes. Why does it still hurt? Because we are human, human, human. So a little bit more pushback on.

Margie: 14:45

I didn't really know that this was a hot button issue. I think it is with some people, but it's not with others. Obviously, somebody said that they thought it'd be interesting to see if gender made a difference and whether the congregation expressed gratitude or not. And women are expected to fulfill roles and expectations without being thanked, just like at home. Let's unpack that for just a second. And yeah, I don't know whether this means that.

Margie: 15:19

Perhaps you know, after I got to this point with I think it was around this comment or so, I thought maybe we need to be circulating a petition to not have this anymore. Is this helpful? I mean, is it? How good is it for thankfulness and appreciation, which that's why we have other holidays you know, mother's Day, father's Day where you can show your appreciation. But some people feel like maybe they would like to just do it just because they're appreciative, not because it's in that required month when you should be showing appreciation. I don't know, I have no idea this was an interesting post here that this was a female ministry leader.

Margie: 16:09

It says my husband takes it hard when they forget, you know, your husband's a great guy. I mean, that is so sweet there, you know, but that's a piece that we don't often think about, that our spouses are sitting there watching this as well, are sitting there watching this as well, and if no appreciation is shown, that's, that's a tough, a tough thing to take, absolutely a tough thing. So now we're blaming social media, which I thought you know. Yeah, we're all over that. We try to keep our finger on the pulse. But, you know, if you chronically see pastors thanking their congregations for you know, the vacation to monaco, or the amazing gifts, dinners and everything you know, that can make it tricky. You know, we're still human, we try not to take it so serious.

Margie: 17:07

This is when I did jump in and said you know, maybe we should start a petition to you know, let's say let's not do this anymore, let's not. You know. And I did get a couple of comments. Oh, they said it's like sweetest day, which you know, sweetest day is a hallmark holiday. No offense to the fine folks at Hallmark, but it is. It's like Grandparents Day, you know. It's a I don't know reason to buy a card, I don't know. I did get some yay on, a little bit of yay anyway, with let's pass a petition around. But the Hallmark holiday our idea was kind of interesting. Maybe if we ditched it and just said love and appreciation should be shown year-round, I mean, maybe this is something that all of us need to get better at showing appreciation to the people around us. Maybe this should, should be. You know, we all talk about Christmas and how we all have enough stuff. Maybe this is a point that could be made is that we could make a big list of people we need to show appreciation to, and you know if you can come up with 12, that's one person a month or something, and I think that might be a great way. It's not the solution to this to the pastor appreciation month, but this was a great comment.

Margie: 18:38

People want to be noticed and appreciated and, in my humble opinion, ministry leaders long for validation and since ministry is such a performance driven and the word job is in quotes, we constantly need to hear from someone that we're doing a good job, so we can then compare ourselves to other ministers and thus we can conclude whether we are successful or not. And that always reminds me of sitting in with a bunch of ministry leaders and we had to go around and they said oh yeah, we always are kind of carpent about stuff here. Let's go around the room and say a blessing that is in your life or something good. And we did get to one individual who decided that they were thankful for the $5 million addition that is going on at their church and I thought did you have to say the number? You know there are some churches here that the whole building and the whole shebang is not valued at that number that you just tossed out. So yeah, we kind of are a little comparison. We can say Don't compare yourself to other people, but sometimes we do, sometimes we do.

Margie: 20:00

So this person brought up, that same person brought up, and on that fretful and continual hamster wheel we keep running. Yes, we do, we compare ourselves and we are trying to decide whether we're successful or not, when really, I mean, this is a one-on-one thing between you and God as to whether you're successful and that's a pretty private thing. But they also added If you give me a gift card to Buc-ee's, that means I'm doing a good job. The land where there's 500 flavors of sunflower seeds and jerky, I don't know. And if it's an amount, well, that little sunflower seed thing was my editorial comment. But this person said if it's an amount more than my fellow minister, well shoot, I must be doing good. And I thought, wow, even 10 bucks to Buc-ee's would be just fun, just fun.

Margie: 21:00

So how do we find our validation in what we do? Our validation in what we do? And maybe all of us Christians, just as Christians, forget the ministry leader piece for a moment. Maybe we should be seeking just to validate other people when it is a real heartfelt thing, and maybe we need to be more grateful. I know a lot of people spend November doing that. You know we spend November saying 30 days of thankfulness or something, and you see people posting on social media about that. So we're not sure. Still, some are not sure.

Margie: 21:41

It really is a hot button issue, but pastors do appreciate it when the congregation makes a point to do something to recognize a month, but it's not necessary to the rhythm of ministry. Yeah, you know, the local church does have a different calendar than hallmark. I'm just going to leave that there we really do have a different calendar going on and we do mark time in a different way. But yeah, it's nice, but it's uh, not necessary. Now here we get down to somebody being brutally honest and saying they're not comfortable with it really at all. They did serve a church and the church just did a more broad thing with thanking all the volunteers as opposed to singling out the leaders. So, hey, that's not a bad idea. Maybe we need to be more appreciative people in general.

Margie: 22:45

Somebody said something about pastors always getting perks and I thought did I miss the boss on this? What perks? What perks? What have I missed out on here? Maybe they feel that that's too much than to have pastor appreciation in addition to all those perks that we get. And, like I said, if you know where the perk box was or is you know, let me know, because I missed that when I was serving More people who served a church where it was not recognized and More people saying we could just bag the whole thing. Now, if we're saying that we could bag the whole thing, then the question is how could we then live into that in our congregation and just have it not be a thing at all? Which is why, at the end of the day here, I'm still wondering how you could send out a petition I don't even know where you'd send it to and either say you're going to or you're not going to. Now, keep in mind I just read something from Westpath the people that are an agency of the United Methodist Church, and on the list of that is you need to be doing this. So either our laity and the leadership of whichever denomination where God has planted your feet, either they need to get with the program and get the people to do this, Because somebody brought up along here, you know, as the pastor, you don't want to stand up and say, okay, everybody, now we have to do pastor appreciation month, because all y'all need to grow in appreciation, you know, and then after you say that you need to duck because the rocks and or rotten fruit are going to come flying at you and besides that, that's pretty awkward.

Margie: 24:49

It's very awkward. It's very awkward for us when we have to say, okay, it's time for you to do your review of me and decide whether you're going to give me a raise or not. We get stuck doing a lot of awkward stuff and this is just awkward. At times. You know who likes awkward. Does anybody here like awkward? So I had one response. That was I mean, it was a big. It's a big, big paragraph and I liked it a lot, not because they said they wish it would be abandoned, but because there were a lot of other good thoughts in here.

Margie: 25:30

It says circumstances in individual churches and among individuals themselves is very nuanced and at times complicated. The reasons people offer appreciation or not are not consistent enough for one to measure their entire worth to a congregation, or even part of it, by the response to that annual observation. So how do you gauge your people by? Oh, my people are just. I don't know they're turds. Because they don't do this, we can't say that it's bad theology. Besides, this person went on to say I've been in ministry for 40 years and found many churches are simply unaware and, at the risk of looking like you're fishing for compliments, few of us are going to make that announcement anyway. Again, another person says it's like sweetest day easy to overlook, especially if you're not a pastor. Sometimes leadership changes can muddy the waters and people are still dealing with that change. Some groups in the church are supposed to. You don't remember the pastor and sometimes it just gets missed. It just gets missed, it says.

Margie: 26:49

When my spouse and I were poor and struggling kids in our first church, our small churches showered us in that month because they knew our need. This is kind of a good picture. Fast forward to our substantially advanced circumstance in a much larger context. Our current church doesn't officially recognize it at all. It leaves words of appreciation to individuals in the course of the year as persons are so moved. This includes no formal Christmas gift by the church to the pastors. All staff are remembered, however, to receive gifts of appreciation by a larger church on top of substantial pay and other perks of the job.

Margie: 27:35

Now here this person spells out the perks which I was like. Well, I can't recall getting any of those, but I've heard of people getting them unused. Football tickets, theater tickets, invites to the country club for dinner, individual Christmas gifts, honorariums etc. Would just be well unethical at most and just counter to our Christian witness at best. Hmm, then of course there are individuals who may use the opportunity to relate passive, aggressively towards the pastor. I thought, oh good heavens. By withholding acknowledgement and goodwill Bottom line, this ministry leader doesn't see it having consistent benefits to the soul of a pastor by observing the month consistent benefits to the soul of a pastor.

Margie: 28:29

By observing the month. I'd rather see our institutions and institutional leaders invest highly in mental health initiatives such as mandatory workshops and classes, boy. And then this person finished up by saying that we're sacrificing too many gifted leaders to pain, despair and isolation. So maybe, maybe the best pastor appreciation gift you could give somebody would be a series of sessions with a mental health counselor. But I you know this person had a lot of really good thinking going on in here, so they finished their thoughts with I completely acknowledge that many hardworking pastors are deprived of the encouraging words and need it as desperately as a cool drink of water. However, I found that focusing on meaningful individual relationships year-round and positive people who enliven ministry tend to have all the acknowledgement needed inherent in them. So I'm going to leave that there, and I still have questions about whether what should happen is we should not celebrate it or ask for mental health services, because I thought that was probably about the best suggestion so that we can keep ourselves in check and maybe so that we can hash around with a neutral person about whether and why Pastor Appreciation Month is or is not important to us and where we could file that to us and where we could file that. So thanks again for listening and I hope this has been helpful, or just another way that we can just walk together, journey together and hash around the issues and challenges and topics of the day.

Margie: 30:52

Hey friends, I want to thank you so much for listening to the Krabby Pastor podcast. As always, I do this for you so that you can take that next step towards some healthy self-care, but at the same time, I'm always interested in what you're interested about. So if you have some suggestions for me, you can email me at crabbypastor at gmail, and I for sure, for sure, will take that into consideration. And maybe you even have a great person that you would like for me to interview along the lines of something self-care or something that is connected to those topics and leadership. Even, for sure, drop me a Gmail and always, always. I appreciate you sharing this podcast with friends. I really love it when I hear that that's being done.

Margie: 31:51

So thank you, thank you in advance. How's that? I will say that, and I want to remind you also that there is a burnout symptoms test on my website at margiebryce dot com, and I will put that website in the show notes, because it is b-r-y-c-e margiebryce dot com and you know for sure you're going to want to check that out. And here's a moment of real confession here. The link to the burnout questionnaire was a little dysfunctional and I had some interesting surprises when I looked at the back end of what was going on on the website. So it is for sure repaired and I want you to go and get that burnout questionnaire. If you're wondering whether your lack of motivation, lack of interest and all that is burnout or not. This should help you make an assessment. So thanks again for listening, be blessed and don't forget, do your self-care.